Letting Go

 

There's no way around this no matter how much I try to distract myself.

I am grieving.

I am grieving all the good moments we had.

The welcome hugs at airports.
The clumsy jokes and the funny faces.
The smile of her eyes when I surprise her.
The mornings I wake up to find her deep asleep next to me.
The cold nights when she pulls me into her arms to warm her up.
The Smell of her hair while I am cuddling her and she's falling asleep on my arm.

I am grieving when we just sat on the couch with legs interlaced just looking at our phones.
When she ran into my arms after weeks and months of being away and missing each other.
When she got excited introducing me to someone new.
When we just sat down to be productive next to each other, and every little while or so we teased each other with a smile, a wink or just a silent pass of a bottle of water.
When she clumsily danced to a song while we are getting dressed for an outing.

I am grieving the feeling of pure joy I had when I was with her. It feels like we were two people in a relationship with another two. The angry me broke up with the person in her who was closed up upon herself. The rational her broke up with the emotional me. yet on the other hand the clumsy me wasn't prepared to let go of the warm her. The lonely me wasn't willing to give her up.

But it has been a year. The lonely me is starting to realize that she isn't coming back. And it never felt so lonely in here. The vulnerable me is falling to his knees in front of me, blaming me for letting her go, begging me to bring her back. Just like a young child begging his father to bring back his dead mother. Weeping in weakness for this to just be just a nightmare that he'll eventually wake up from.

Weep as you may, little boy, she ain't coming back.

Quit crying little boy,
She ain't coming back
It's just you and me now
And your old little toy

Stop weeping and cry
your pain out in tears
keep crying as you may
till your wells run dry

The crack won't heal
no matter what you do
so bury it deep within
and maybe it won't appear

Never felt so lonely before
yet I haven't been alone
It's not who you can see
It's whom you're longing for

And life goes on now
As it always does
healing or forgetting
you'll survive somehow