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Alienated - A Diary Entry - 29/7/2021

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I have had a really nice time going out with a friend of mine that unleashed a sea of insecurities. I found myself shifting from the high feeling of enjoying the outing to such a low thinking of how hard it will be for me to find a personality that is closely like my own. I believe I have created an unusual blend of personal characteristics that is difficult to match. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a self-centered person who thinks highly of myself. On the contrary, I feel like life has forced me into experiences that I was neither fit for nor was I willing to go through. Such experiences have proved me wrong on so many levels and on such a regular basis.  The combinations of such experiences has totally reshaped who I am and how I view the world. My fear of not being able to find someone whose world view is close to mine comes from how far I find my new personality in comparison to how it originally was. It originates to the comparison I am making within my head between how much I c...
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Overstimulation

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Too many sounds in the background, too much noise, even in the quietest corners. Too many objects laying around. Too many people passing by. Too much light flashing in every direction.  Too many emotions trickling through my chest. It's tiring. It's tiring to feel every emotion of mine. It's tiring when you add to it every emotion of those I care for. It's tiring to feel on behalf of others and it's tiring to feel the guilt of trying not feel for them. I would pay to live a day while not giving a shit about no one. I would pay to rest from this overstimulation of processing every action and feeling of every single person who crosses my path. It's taking its toll on me and I can't see to find someone who understands how does it feel to live while being affected by the slightest change in your environment.  I want to have a break from feeling the hurt of a waiter who has just been mistreated, from feeling the fear of a young girl walking alone on the street lo...
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Letting Go

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  There's no way around this no matter how much I try to distract myself. I am grieving. I am grieving all the good moments we had. The welcome hugs at airports. The clumsy jokes and the funny faces. The smile of her eyes when I surprise her. The mornings I wake up to find her deep asleep next to me. The cold nights when she pulls me into her arms to warm her up. The Smell of her hair while I am cuddling her and she's falling asleep on my arm. I am grieving when we just sat on the couch with legs interlaced just looking at our phones. When she ran into my arms after weeks and months of being away and missing each other. When she got excited introducing me to someone new. When we just sat down to be productive next to each other, and every little while or so we teased each other with a smile, a wink or just a silent pass of a bottle of water. When she clumsily danced to a song while we are getting dressed for an outing. I am grieving the feeling of pure joy I had when I was with...
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Real Support Be Like...

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Sometimes you have someone in your life that you care about. Someone who has so many issues going on. You love them. You care so much about them. You want to support them.... You approach and start talking. You want to help them out of their problems. Even though you have good intentions, sometimes all she/he needs is to sort out there thoughts. Sometimes the best that you can do to someone is to leave them alone. Sometimes the best that you can do is to be passive in a conversation with him/her. How to do so? It is very simple. Identify your opinion and hold it back. Make sure you don't say your opinion. Make sure that you help them identify their own opinion first. Ask questions like: When that happened, how did that make you feel?  Would you have loved it better if they didn't do that?  What do you think is the actual reason behind you feeling like this?  Does that remind you of a previous situation?  Do you think that your reaction was what you...
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Dear Smoker Me

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Dear Smoker Me, Remember this feeling, remember the pain in the upper left part of your chest.  Remember that you felt almost chocking.  That your bronchi were very tight.  Remember how worried you were that this might turn into one of the daily patients presented to you with a malignant lesion. Until the moment that you are writing this, you are not quite sure that you won’t have this pain again. But, you can stop thinking of the patient you had today.  The patient that had a chance to quit smoking after being operated on. He got a warning first. He got a papilloma on his vocal cords. He got it excised and neglected the advice of the doctor to stay away from smoking. Less than a year, he was back with carcinoma this time.  The most impressive part of the story is that having cancer was an expected outcome. The patient and his wife were waiting for the word cancer as if they were waiting for it to be said.  I don’t want to be...
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