A Life Wanderer

I have had a really nice time going out with a friend of mine that unleashed a sea of insecurities. I found myself shifting from the high feeling of enjoying the outing to such a low thinking of how hard it will be for me to find a personality that is closely like my own. I believe I have created an unusual blend of personal characteristics that is difficult to match. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a self-centered person who thinks highly of myself. On the contrary, I feel like life has forced me into experiences that I was neither fit for nor was I willing to go through. Such experiences have proved me wrong on so many levels and on such a regular basis.  The combinations of such experiences has totally reshaped who I am and how I view the world. My fear of not being able to find someone whose world view is close to mine comes from how far I find my new personality in comparison to how it originally was. It originates to the comparison I am making within my head between how much I c...

Too many sounds in the background, too much noise, even in the quietest corners. Too many objects laying around. Too many people passing by. Too much light flashing in every direction.  Too many emotions trickling through my chest. It's tiring. It's tiring to feel every emotion of mine. It's tiring when you add to it every emotion of those I care for. It's tiring to feel on behalf of others and it's tiring to feel the guilt of trying not feel for them. I would pay to live a day while not giving a shit about no one. I would pay to rest from this overstimulation of processing every action and feeling of every single person who crosses my path. It's taking its toll on me and I can't see to find someone who understands how does it feel to live while being affected by the slightest change in your environment.  I want to have a break from feeling the hurt of a waiter who has just been mistreated, from feeling the fear of a young girl walking alone on the street lo...

  There's no way around this no matter how much I try to distract myself. I am grieving. I am grieving all the good moments we had. The welcome hugs at airports. The clumsy jokes and the funny faces. The smile of her eyes when I surprise her. The mornings I wake up to find her deep asleep next to me. The cold nights when she pulls me into her arms to warm her up. The Smell of her hair while I am cuddling her and she's falling asleep on my arm. I am grieving when we just sat on the couch with legs interlaced just looking at our phones. When she ran into my arms after weeks and months of being away and missing each other. When she got excited introducing me to someone new. When we just sat down to be productive next to each other, and every little while or so we teased each other with a smile, a wink or just a silent pass of a bottle of water. When she clumsily danced to a song while we are getting dressed for an outing. I am grieving the feeling of pure joy I had when I was with...